Absence. Wall of text, beware!
Posted: Sun Apr 24, 2011 1:11 am
(Copied and pasted from my DA journal, so it's more geared towards that. The general point is the same though)
Ehhhh. I've been meaning to do this for a while. It was getting silly, me just wandering about aimlessly on the internet, looking at random funny things to pass the time. It's not just DA I've seemingly vanished from, all over the place I've just... stopped. And here's why.
Before I start though I really need to make this clear to anyone and everyone who may read this (especially those who know me in real life); I am likely to end up venting about stuff I really need to get off my chest. To a therapist really. That scares the crap out of the though, and frankly unless I'm forced to go, I just won't. I want to, but I literally want to run away and hide when I think about it. And I don't care if people think that typing my heart and soul on the internet is a bad idea, it's the only way at the moment I'm comfortable talking about how I feel. I really need this. Besides, I'm sure at least a few people I know here and elsewhere (and if you think I mean you, you're probably right... unless I don't know you. Get off my lawn!
) But if you're not bothered about life angst, and other stuff like that, I'd move along. Nothing to see here.
I honestly don't feel I'm having a very good time right now, or lately for that matter. I've been dipping in and out of the murky waters of depression, at varying depths. There are several reasons I can pin point for now, though certainly not all of them I'm sure. First off I began the year dealing with the family at home I've had since I was around 2 get torn apart. Honestly, it WAS best for everyone in the end. Everyone seems happier because of it and I'm glad, but that's still hard shit to deal with. Couldn't even tidy up my room because it seemed like I was just letting go. I needed to let go, but I really couldn't... This had a negative impact on my college work too, as you can likely imagine. I just didn't feel motivated to do anything, it felt like a struggle rather than something I WANTED to do. It got so bad I actually tried leaving the whole place behind. Realising what a stupid bloody mistake that was I explained what happened and they gave me a week off to get my head sorted. So I came back and, well struggled on some more. Loosing the majority of my work at the time didn't help matters. I'm getting back on my feet now, and am actually moving onto something that feels like what I want to do with my life. So college is improving for now.
I've also had other sources of stress to deal with. my beloved girlfriends father passed away in February, and I've been supporting her the best I can. I've not dealt with death before though, and I've had college and family issues fresh in my mind at the time. I struggled, I still do struggle at times and lately I've been feeling bad about feeling like I have issues. I'm not the strong person she needs right now, but I try, which is all she ever asks of me. It's a relief to hear that, and sometimes I feel even guiltier.
In the mean time to bury my problems I'd desperately been trying to piece together a social life beyond chatting to friends on the internet. I got back into my 40K hobby, which unfortunately got out of hand. I'd withdrawn into this little world where only 40K was my biggest issue and this threatened to become a killing blow to my relationship. Why? because she apparently made the fatal error of starting to get back into it herself. Obviously I was overjoyed, the woman I love and one of my best friends into the same hobby as me. Someone to share my interest with. I took it waaay too far and for that I am eternally sorry. Damn near ruined her interest in it now as well, which makes me feel terrible. She paints amazing models; even the tiniest of models gets lavished with detail. To take THAT away from her would kill me. Again, this is something I am dealing with. I've made more friends who are as into it as I am and are always willing to talk about it. I will admit to testing the waters occasionally with my girlfriend but I try to be very careful not to bring it up often or for long.
College stress reared it's ugly head again, and I've slowly been getting more and more spiteful of my photography sessions. I like taking photos, but I could not give less of a shit about how it works, and why, and what techniques are used. I take photos if they look good, and that's that. This coupled with a bloody teacher who can't get to grips with the fact that we don't need out hands held, we're adults for fuck sake! Graphics I enjoy still though for the most part, and I've been really motivated to get this perfume stuff done. Money at the end helps. I hope I get that.
General problems I have linked to my time at school have started becoming an issue with my bouts of depression too. I wasn't treated well in school, I don't actually consider my childhood to have been a particularly happy one. Not in the way that others may assume that entails, my life at HOME wasn't hard at all, although being trapped in the arse end of nowhere with no internet isn't exactly a blast. But my time at school, primary and secondary, sucked balls. Most people think about playing with their friends and laughing and how easy their lives seemed to be back then. I remember being treated like dirt, even by people I THOUGHT I could trust. I remember being picked on in primary school for fuck knows what until I made a friend who took it upon themselves to forcibly stop people doing with with fear and force. Do I regret that? No. it bloody worked, and apparently was the only thing that made them stop. But hey, secondary school came about and it stared again. Not very much at first but by the end of my six fucking years there it took me nearly lopping someone's finger off before people got the idea I didn't want to be fucked with for NO GOOD REASON. And you'd better bloody believe it wasn't for lack of trying. But hey, the teacher took my side on that one. But that was the thing that hurt the most. There wasn't a reason. It just seemed like the "cool" thing to do. Hey, lets pick on Sam, find any fucking thing that may wind him up and do it. I tried to let it slide but a freaking mental breakdown speaks volumes. At least that was at home. The worst bit is that it was the thing you did "publicly" it seemed. These same people, when not in a group, would often be perfectly freaking fine with me (one of them is in my college group you know, perfectly reasonable guy to work with now) until they grouped up again.
You know what being treated like crap for nearly all of your school life does to you? I'm paranoid, to the point where I don't tell people what fucking MUSIC I like for fear of ridicule. I can't tell people about how I'm feeling face to face, and doing it over text like this is hard enough, even to someone like my girlfriend who I do trust above all others. It took me about a week of convincing myself this was a good idea to write all of this down. I can't be in a crowd of people I don't feel I can just leave, or even generally. This has ruined games of 40K apocalypse run in the shops amongst other things. I have terrible self esteem to boot. I don't think of myself very highly. I don't think I deserve my girlfriend, or very much at all to be honest. I hate myself for being a screwed up mess and that makes me feel even worse. I can't take criticism well at all any more, even really well meaning constructive criticism makes me spiral into a hole of self loathing. It's hard to not take things like that as personal attacks when so many years have said they are. I'm highly cynical about the world in general. I don't think there are that many good people in the world. I don't think the world is a nice place and it sure ain't fucking fair. I hate hearing that it's normal and that I should just accept it though. You only have one life, bloody enjoy it! Otherwise, and be truly honest here, is there any reason being alive at all? Life should not be about struggling though life to have a job, a job should be a means to an end, and I don't mean a freaking pension. And I suppose that's why I'm so desperate to do something with my cartoons with my life. I enjoy them. They give me purpose. I actually resent anyone who I feel tried to tell me I can't do it, or I feel is trying to stop me. This has led to very regrettable thoughts about people close to me, especially in regards to college.
And now I'm dealing with the home I've lived in all my life being snatched away from me. There's a for sale sign outside, and I get to watch and smile and be nice as people look around MY HOME going "Oooh, we could but a nice four piece suite in here!" and other things. I hate it. And at the same time I know it's probably best to leave this place behind. All the dark memories and feeling of my past may stay with it. I hope so. Besides, living in a place with a shop close by and easy transport to my friends and vise versa will be good.
All of this has left me, well not uninspired, but lacking the energy to do anything cartoony. I wanna rectify that, but it's hard lately. I've not been on Pax, a roleplaying forum started after blackstar perished. I've generally let go of everything, and now I wanna fix that. I just don't think it'll happen soon.
So that's why I've been away. I need a drink. Pouring your heart and soul for all too see makes you thirsty.
TL;DR: Avenue Q: It sucks to be me
Ehhhh. I've been meaning to do this for a while. It was getting silly, me just wandering about aimlessly on the internet, looking at random funny things to pass the time. It's not just DA I've seemingly vanished from, all over the place I've just... stopped. And here's why.
Before I start though I really need to make this clear to anyone and everyone who may read this (especially those who know me in real life); I am likely to end up venting about stuff I really need to get off my chest. To a therapist really. That scares the crap out of the though, and frankly unless I'm forced to go, I just won't. I want to, but I literally want to run away and hide when I think about it. And I don't care if people think that typing my heart and soul on the internet is a bad idea, it's the only way at the moment I'm comfortable talking about how I feel. I really need this. Besides, I'm sure at least a few people I know here and elsewhere (and if you think I mean you, you're probably right... unless I don't know you. Get off my lawn!
) But if you're not bothered about life angst, and other stuff like that, I'd move along. Nothing to see here.I honestly don't feel I'm having a very good time right now, or lately for that matter. I've been dipping in and out of the murky waters of depression, at varying depths. There are several reasons I can pin point for now, though certainly not all of them I'm sure. First off I began the year dealing with the family at home I've had since I was around 2 get torn apart. Honestly, it WAS best for everyone in the end. Everyone seems happier because of it and I'm glad, but that's still hard shit to deal with. Couldn't even tidy up my room because it seemed like I was just letting go. I needed to let go, but I really couldn't... This had a negative impact on my college work too, as you can likely imagine. I just didn't feel motivated to do anything, it felt like a struggle rather than something I WANTED to do. It got so bad I actually tried leaving the whole place behind. Realising what a stupid bloody mistake that was I explained what happened and they gave me a week off to get my head sorted. So I came back and, well struggled on some more. Loosing the majority of my work at the time didn't help matters. I'm getting back on my feet now, and am actually moving onto something that feels like what I want to do with my life. So college is improving for now.
I've also had other sources of stress to deal with. my beloved girlfriends father passed away in February, and I've been supporting her the best I can. I've not dealt with death before though, and I've had college and family issues fresh in my mind at the time. I struggled, I still do struggle at times and lately I've been feeling bad about feeling like I have issues. I'm not the strong person she needs right now, but I try, which is all she ever asks of me. It's a relief to hear that, and sometimes I feel even guiltier.
In the mean time to bury my problems I'd desperately been trying to piece together a social life beyond chatting to friends on the internet. I got back into my 40K hobby, which unfortunately got out of hand. I'd withdrawn into this little world where only 40K was my biggest issue and this threatened to become a killing blow to my relationship. Why? because she apparently made the fatal error of starting to get back into it herself. Obviously I was overjoyed, the woman I love and one of my best friends into the same hobby as me. Someone to share my interest with. I took it waaay too far and for that I am eternally sorry. Damn near ruined her interest in it now as well, which makes me feel terrible. She paints amazing models; even the tiniest of models gets lavished with detail. To take THAT away from her would kill me. Again, this is something I am dealing with. I've made more friends who are as into it as I am and are always willing to talk about it. I will admit to testing the waters occasionally with my girlfriend but I try to be very careful not to bring it up often or for long.
College stress reared it's ugly head again, and I've slowly been getting more and more spiteful of my photography sessions. I like taking photos, but I could not give less of a shit about how it works, and why, and what techniques are used. I take photos if they look good, and that's that. This coupled with a bloody teacher who can't get to grips with the fact that we don't need out hands held, we're adults for fuck sake! Graphics I enjoy still though for the most part, and I've been really motivated to get this perfume stuff done. Money at the end helps. I hope I get that.
General problems I have linked to my time at school have started becoming an issue with my bouts of depression too. I wasn't treated well in school, I don't actually consider my childhood to have been a particularly happy one. Not in the way that others may assume that entails, my life at HOME wasn't hard at all, although being trapped in the arse end of nowhere with no internet isn't exactly a blast. But my time at school, primary and secondary, sucked balls. Most people think about playing with their friends and laughing and how easy their lives seemed to be back then. I remember being treated like dirt, even by people I THOUGHT I could trust. I remember being picked on in primary school for fuck knows what until I made a friend who took it upon themselves to forcibly stop people doing with with fear and force. Do I regret that? No. it bloody worked, and apparently was the only thing that made them stop. But hey, secondary school came about and it stared again. Not very much at first but by the end of my six fucking years there it took me nearly lopping someone's finger off before people got the idea I didn't want to be fucked with for NO GOOD REASON. And you'd better bloody believe it wasn't for lack of trying. But hey, the teacher took my side on that one. But that was the thing that hurt the most. There wasn't a reason. It just seemed like the "cool" thing to do. Hey, lets pick on Sam, find any fucking thing that may wind him up and do it. I tried to let it slide but a freaking mental breakdown speaks volumes. At least that was at home. The worst bit is that it was the thing you did "publicly" it seemed. These same people, when not in a group, would often be perfectly freaking fine with me (one of them is in my college group you know, perfectly reasonable guy to work with now) until they grouped up again.
You know what being treated like crap for nearly all of your school life does to you? I'm paranoid, to the point where I don't tell people what fucking MUSIC I like for fear of ridicule. I can't tell people about how I'm feeling face to face, and doing it over text like this is hard enough, even to someone like my girlfriend who I do trust above all others. It took me about a week of convincing myself this was a good idea to write all of this down. I can't be in a crowd of people I don't feel I can just leave, or even generally. This has ruined games of 40K apocalypse run in the shops amongst other things. I have terrible self esteem to boot. I don't think of myself very highly. I don't think I deserve my girlfriend, or very much at all to be honest. I hate myself for being a screwed up mess and that makes me feel even worse. I can't take criticism well at all any more, even really well meaning constructive criticism makes me spiral into a hole of self loathing. It's hard to not take things like that as personal attacks when so many years have said they are. I'm highly cynical about the world in general. I don't think there are that many good people in the world. I don't think the world is a nice place and it sure ain't fucking fair. I hate hearing that it's normal and that I should just accept it though. You only have one life, bloody enjoy it! Otherwise, and be truly honest here, is there any reason being alive at all? Life should not be about struggling though life to have a job, a job should be a means to an end, and I don't mean a freaking pension. And I suppose that's why I'm so desperate to do something with my cartoons with my life. I enjoy them. They give me purpose. I actually resent anyone who I feel tried to tell me I can't do it, or I feel is trying to stop me. This has led to very regrettable thoughts about people close to me, especially in regards to college.
And now I'm dealing with the home I've lived in all my life being snatched away from me. There's a for sale sign outside, and I get to watch and smile and be nice as people look around MY HOME going "Oooh, we could but a nice four piece suite in here!" and other things. I hate it. And at the same time I know it's probably best to leave this place behind. All the dark memories and feeling of my past may stay with it. I hope so. Besides, living in a place with a shop close by and easy transport to my friends and vise versa will be good.
All of this has left me, well not uninspired, but lacking the energy to do anything cartoony. I wanna rectify that, but it's hard lately. I've not been on Pax, a roleplaying forum started after blackstar perished. I've generally let go of everything, and now I wanna fix that. I just don't think it'll happen soon.
So that's why I've been away. I need a drink. Pouring your heart and soul for all too see makes you thirsty.
TL;DR: Avenue Q: It sucks to be me
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